Monthly Archives: September 2013

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I ended up spending the time rehearsing what I was going to say to my Dr. today. I am going in to talk to him after I asked to stop something he had me do. I know my Dr. will want to know why, rightly so, I just am struggling with how to tell him that I don’t feel comfortable with it because I think (no, I know) God is making me uncomfortable with it. He is going to think I am nuts.

How do you bring a strong conviction into a nonconvitction based world? I live by prayer, a lot of little prayers that consist of “show, tell, help, and move me to where You want me to be”. This is not something that you get by reading and studying alone, those things help, but in the end it is His peace that I look for. God made me from dust so I know that He understands I am really slow at times to get the hint unless I am not comfortable in how I feel. So to move me to where I need to be He makes me REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

All night long I walked through the visit, telling my Dr.how I felt about all of this and imagining his face as he didn’t understand or like my reasons. By early this morning I was convinced there would be no good way to talk this one out.

Finally I turned to God. If God made me so uncomfortable with this then I would leave it in His more than capable hands to help me explain it. That is so much easier said than done (I promptly let God know that one as well).

When I got to the appointment I knew God was there with me as soon as I walked in. My mind became clear and God helped me explain my convictions and reasons. I am smiling as I write this because I have had this happen so many times you would think that I would just know this by now. (NOT LOL). I have a quote that I say to my kids (and friends) “God never gives us more than we with His help can handle, and that help comes when we need it, not a moment before nor a moment after”. I guess I need to be saying that to myself a whole lot more.

This morning Satan won hands down. I had a total melt down and could not pick myself back up. God in all of His love for me gave me a husband that is so patient that he lovingly took me and helped me through it. I couldn’t ask for more, really!! I saw this on Facebook and just sobbed all the way through. I am sharing it because I think all of us need to remember and know this truth. I am a daughter of the living God!

http://youtu.be/uWi5iXnguTU

Amazing Grace by Mr. Phipps and Bill Gaither and Friends

I have often wondered what it will be like in Heaven. I know that we will be with God/Jesus and that, in and of itself, is more than I can comprehend. Yet I know there will be other things there to. One of them will be singing. Lots of singing! Which to me is a wonderful thing. I love to sing, and when I was younger God gifted me with a singers voice I was able to used a lot. I loved it when we would have “Singsperations” at School where all of us (120 or so) would gather together and basically sing for 2 to 3 hours. It was beautiful with all the different voices blending together and splitting into parts. I miss those times. Recently when flipping through the channels on my TV I found Bill Gaither and Friends. God has given me my  Singsperations back. As I listen to them I can close my eyes and begin to see how it will be in Heaven, when we all lift our voices as a praise to God, and the goosebumps come followed soon by the tears. Heaven is going to be amazing, something I will never be able to truly feel, see, understand, or experience here on earth. But, I am so grateful that God gives us these special glimpses so we can have a taste of what is to come. HEAVEN!!

When I am in this “mood” (maybe I should name it for ease sake, how about pmsopause) I have noticed that my normal graceless self gets amplified by at least 10 if not more. I become a downright blundering idiot, not only in my outward actions but in my thoughts and emotions. All this to say that today seemed to be destined to be a seriously pmsopausal day. My exceptionally patient husband and I have a Black Tie Affair to go to this evening and of course that means dressing up to the nines. Remember I am menopausal and have hot flashes constantly, so the thought of dressing up is a daunting one to say the least. I figure that if I get my hair done up off my neck that would be half the battle right there. So I head to my hair dressers only to find out that they had put me as a different person, with a different person then I regularly go to, at a different time!!! Hence I was out of luck. I sulked  all the way back to my car (by this time I was smack in the middle of a doozie of a hot flash) where I promptly asked God what He was doing and did He understand that I really needed my hair up and that I could not do this by myself. To put it mildly I was angry that my “order” of things had been crushed (my opinion totally). I proceeded to drive back home all the way telling God all the reasons that He had failed in my ever humble opinion and how I would have done it so different and therefore so much better. When I was about 2/3rds the way home I got a call from my hairstylist at the Salon. She apologized and said that she had someone who could do my hair and would do a wonderful job if I would be able to come back. Smiling as I was sure I could hear God saying “all I wanted was for you to TRUST ME” I said that I would be happy to turn around and come back. She did a beautiful job and We had a good time at the Black Tie. Once again God reminded me that He does know what He is doing even when I don’t. I may want things my way just because I can see it, but in reality His way is ALWAYS better then my way! ALWAYS!

I upgraded my iPhone to IOS 7 today and it so smooth looking that it makes it easier on my eyes, it has cool new features that make moving around the phone’s applications faster and smarter, and they seem to have been able to make it more intuitive (at least that is my opinion). All this got me to thinking about my life. What would it be like if I could get an upgrade to a new ME. A “start over” on life if you would, that I could design and make as I think it would be best. I could give you a list that would take up a whole ream of paper just in things that I would fix about myself. Wouldn’t that be neat. Then again… maybe not. I am going to have to update my iPhone in a few months or even weeks to fix all the “bugs” that come out as the IOS is used and abused. So in reality if I gave myself an upgrade I would be just starting over from scratch and having to redo everything that I have done, learned, and lived to this point. To be totally honest, I don’t think so!!! God has been updating me ever since I accepted Him as my Savior, and the operating system that I have is given by Him. I know that I could never on my own make one as perfect for me as He has made for me. So, I will keep this IOS, the updates I have had so far and those that are to come. I am really looking forward to the day when He will personally give me my final upgrade. Now that will be the best IOS ever.

I guess after yesterday’s fantastic day, NOT! My very sweet husband decided that I needed a day to do whatever I wanted to do! Wonderful, SLEEP, hide in my bed with the bedsheets over my face and never come out again, cry, take a shower, get angry, cray again and then go back to sleep. I don’t think that is exactly what he had in mind. I still like the sleep part but I suppose I really should’t sleep the whole day away, as tempting as that may sound.  Since my BFF and I have been making Wednesdays each week “Our” day for a few months now and this just happen to be Wednesday I knew I was going to be having to climb out of my hole anyway. I didn’t really feel like going out (hiding under the sheets in bed really did sound quite appealing) but I knew that wouldn’t do. So I hopped in her car and off we went. What we do on these days doesn’t really matter as much as the fact that we are doing something does. You see we both would rather hide at times, and we both know it about each other, and so we created our BFF Wednesdays. We spend the day, afternoon or evening together and make each other get out of the house, run away if you will. This has helped both of us as it is really hard to stay depressed, angry, menopausal… you get the drift if the other person you are with is making you laugh because they are being so silly. I am so glad that God knows me so intimately that He brought her into my life. My BFF is just what I need, someone I can be totally honest with, act like my true self, cry, laugh, and cry from laughing so hard with. We have had so many wonderful, heartbreaking, silly, clumsy, life living moments together that have made this journey much more bearable. 

I am not sure how my husband does it. I am not sure I could last more than an hour if I had to live with myself when I am this way. To say I get short tempered would be the nice way to put it. This is one of the parts of turning fifty that I would definitely change back in a heart beat. The combination of past and present (if you get my drift) makes for a bad chemical, hormonal, emotional and whateveral you want to add to that mix. It actually makes for a dangerous one. I find that my mind wanders to angry thoughts, thoughts that only a few days ago I would not have conceived of. If you cross my path in a way I perceive as wrong, even if you didn’t even know I was there, I might have thoughts of how I would slowly make your life a living h… oops sorry there I go. I use to know when I would be feeling this way and my husband could take the appropriate measures to insure that he could make clean getaways. Now well, your guess is as good as mine, and for how long I will be feeling this way, sorry charlie it could be weeks. Though I sure hope not because, though they may not believe me when I say this,  I don’t like myself when I am this way. I want to feel happy again! Until then RUN, it is probably the safest thing for you.