Through my life I have lost some very important people to me, some have gone recently and some further back. I am beginning to learn that grief does not have a set end date. A scheduled set of steps that you go through and once you have been through that last step you are now “grief free”. November is a hard month for me, it has gotten much better in the past few years, almost to the point that unless I am reminded by something I can sneak through the month and come out clean the other side. That gets harder to do when you have more recent losses that November is a trigger for, it is almost impossible.

Thanksgiving, a time for family getting together and rejoicing in all the blessing that have been given. For me a reminder of a Thanksgiving 22 years ago when I, with my family, watched (all day) as my grandmother slowly passed away from lung cancer. I am so grateful that she loved Jesus and knew where she was going. I knew all day that God was in that house with us every step of the way, but it was still an emotionally, physically, and mentally draining day. Things seemed surreal at times, such as, we decided to go ahead and have our Thanksgiving meal together. Though probably a good thing to do, it was still hard to try and “celebrate” in the midst of her dying. My oldest two sons were with me though they were young (1 and 4). When I allow myself to look back there were a couple things about that day that seem to stand out more than any other.

The first actually happened early that morning when I was the one taking the “watch shift” to keep an eye on Grams so everyone else could sleep. She had been laying perfectly still and breathing very shallowly so I thought she was in this comma type state she would go in and out of. I wasn’t sure she would hear me but I also wasn’t sure she would ever come around again. So I leaned over to her and said “I love you Grams” then sat back down, she didn’t stir. I went back to what I was doing only to be interrupted by “I love you to honey”. I was so surprised she had heard me. But from then on I talked to her even if she didn’t talk back. There was always a good chance she heard me.

The second included my oldest. When it was obvious that it was time for Grams to go, everyone (9 -10 of us) stood around her bed. My Dad had picked up Ben who was very concerned that he would not be able to say goodbye, and was holding him in his lap sitting right next to Grams. She was breathing irregular and it became very hard to know at that point which one would be the last. All of the sudden Ben touches Grams hand and says “Good-bye Grama I love you and I am going to miss you”. My Grandmother then took her final breath.

God in all his wisdom gives us nugets of gold in the hard times to be able to hold on to. I am so grateful for that. I really did think though that there would be a time when the grieving process would be complete. Not so. My youngest brother died when he was 3 years old 4 days before Christmas that was 47 years ago and yet certain things will trigger my memory and there it is again.

The totally unexpected overwhelming, slug you in the gut is the hardest one for me to handle. This is going to take a lot of prayer and God’s help to go through this “valley”.