Author Archives: Cee Cee

Today my husband turned 51 finally catching back up to me. So no more “Old lady” jokes for another year. Turning 51 was no big thing just another day, in another week, in another month, in another year. 50 was a nightmare. I really don’t know why, maybe I just thought that it meant that I was really, really old!  Turns out I am not, or at least I don’t feel like I am inside. Now my body may disagree with that statement at times (OK most of the time) but inside the person that I picture myself to be is not the one that I see looking back at me in the mirror. It is a much younger, skinner, happier me. I wonder why I still hold on to that ideal image of myself. Looking back on that sentence it sounds as if I have a rather large arrogance problem, but unfortunately it is quite the opposite. And that posses another side to that question. I wonder why I even hold on to THAT ideal of myself. I am not even really the same person I was back then. Parts of that “me” are still there but a lot of me has changed, matured I suppose, lived, and all that brings about a different “me” inside and out.  My husband and I have known each other since we were 11. That is a long time when you are 51 :). There has been a good bit of changing in both of us since then. I feel so blessed that he has stayed committed to me through them, I could not imagine a world without him and as he changes I never do on that point. So I guess all this to say that we are finally passed the BIG 50 and have survived and have a good prognosis for the remainder of this decade. I guess 50 is the new 40.

Living with chronic depression is a tricky thing. Just to admit you have it can be scary. When you struggle with your own mind and how it thinks day by day it is hard to trust yourself with that  struggle let alone someone else.  If you are brave enough to tell people then you run the risk of having to go through the arguments of how you really just aren’t trusting God enough. Though these people may be well meaning and all, this does not in anyway help. I trust God, I love Him with everything in my being and know that without Him this journey that I am on would be impossible. So I will have to disagree, politely, it can’t be fixed by just trusting God more. Yes, my God is big enough to heal me, but like Paul He also allows “thorns” to be there for His glory. I would not dare to say I am above this.

There are also those that can’t handle it and stay away, maybe they are afraid it is contagious. I am not sure, I haven’t figured that one out yet. I wish I could tell them it is alright, I probably would, and probably do, the same thing at times.

Then there are those that just pretend it really doesn’t exist. I get tired when I am around them because that means that I too am required to play in the disguise if I am to keep their friendship. Maybe I should be reconcidering that company.

Those that accept the depression for what it is are true gems and I am blessed to have them. They don’t judge when you have a bad day and just feel like hiding in the house under the covers in bed. They know that you are not a broken person because you have depression, just a person that sometimes feels broken. They remind you that you are lovable, capable, and savvy. And they love you unconditionally. I am so thankful that there are those that have been willing to look past the stigma to see the person, and at times reach down to help that person up.  It makes me not so scared to say “I have chronic depression”.

I will have to say, I am totally impressed as I had no clue that my son was coming home for the weekend from the Army. I have helped him pull this stunt on his fiancee before but he has not done it to me so this was a first.  It was wonderful waking up to his voice … wait a minute, I had better tell the truth here!

All three of my son’s have very similar sounding voices, especially if you aren’t paying attention, so when Chris opened my bedroom door that morning I naturally thought it was the only son home , Josh.  Now,  Josh rarely wakes me up early because he knows I am NOT a morning person. Therefore, if he is waking me up, there is something wrong, and if there is something wrong he is frustrated by it by now.  So when a cheerful sounding Josh comes in the room saying “Mom, Mom wake up. I brought flowers for you and a french horn and chocolate milk,” my very sleepy brain is saying “Danger, Will Robinson, danger!” followed by a quick “Aaaawwweee, that is so sweet”.

Wake up! it is imperative that I open my eyes, there is something wrong. So, come on, OPEN THOSE EYES! Now my brain is screaming at me as it realizes the BIG inconsistencies. So I open those eyes and was greeted by Chris :).

Chris is always really busy when he comes up. Still, I will happily take what I can get as I know he is doing his best. I also know that He really needed this break back home. Besides this helps make it more bearable until Thanksgiving. God is so very Wonderful and does have things under control.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

Through my life I have lost some very important people to me, some have gone recently and some further back. I am beginning to learn that grief does not have a set end date. A scheduled set of steps that you go through and once you have been through that last step you are now “grief free”. November is a hard month for me, it has gotten much better in the past few years, almost to the point that unless I am reminded by something I can sneak through the month and come out clean the other side. That gets harder to do when you have more recent losses that November is a trigger for, it is almost impossible.

Thanksgiving, a time for family getting together and rejoicing in all the blessing that have been given. For me a reminder of a Thanksgiving 22 years ago when I, with my family, watched (all day) as my grandmother slowly passed away from lung cancer. I am so grateful that she loved Jesus and knew where she was going. I knew all day that God was in that house with us every step of the way, but it was still an emotionally, physically, and mentally draining day. Things seemed surreal at times, such as, we decided to go ahead and have our Thanksgiving meal together. Though probably a good thing to do, it was still hard to try and “celebrate” in the midst of her dying. My oldest two sons were with me though they were young (1 and 4). When I allow myself to look back there were a couple things about that day that seem to stand out more than any other.

The first actually happened early that morning when I was the one taking the “watch shift” to keep an eye on Grams so everyone else could sleep. She had been laying perfectly still and breathing very shallowly so I thought she was in this comma type state she would go in and out of. I wasn’t sure she would hear me but I also wasn’t sure she would ever come around again. So I leaned over to her and said “I love you Grams” then sat back down, she didn’t stir. I went back to what I was doing only to be interrupted by “I love you to honey”. I was so surprised she had heard me. But from then on I talked to her even if she didn’t talk back. There was always a good chance she heard me.

The second included my oldest. When it was obvious that it was time for Grams to go, everyone (9 -10 of us) stood around her bed. My Dad had picked up Ben who was very concerned that he would not be able to say goodbye, and was holding him in his lap sitting right next to Grams. She was breathing irregular and it became very hard to know at that point which one would be the last. All of the sudden Ben touches Grams hand and says “Good-bye Grama I love you and I am going to miss you”. My Grandmother then took her final breath.

God in all his wisdom gives us nugets of gold in the hard times to be able to hold on to. I am so grateful for that. I really did think though that there would be a time when the grieving process would be complete. Not so. My youngest brother died when he was 3 years old 4 days before Christmas that was 47 years ago and yet certain things will trigger my memory and there it is again.

The totally unexpected overwhelming, slug you in the gut is the hardest one for me to handle. This is going to take a lot of prayer and God’s help to go through this “valley”.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I ended up spending the time rehearsing what I was going to say to my Dr. today. I am going in to talk to him after I asked to stop something he had me do. I know my Dr. will want to know why, rightly so, I just am struggling with how to tell him that I don’t feel comfortable with it because I think (no, I know) God is making me uncomfortable with it. He is going to think I am nuts.

How do you bring a strong conviction into a nonconvitction based world? I live by prayer, a lot of little prayers that consist of “show, tell, help, and move me to where You want me to be”. This is not something that you get by reading and studying alone, those things help, but in the end it is His peace that I look for. God made me from dust so I know that He understands I am really slow at times to get the hint unless I am not comfortable in how I feel. So to move me to where I need to be He makes me REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

All night long I walked through the visit, telling my Dr.how I felt about all of this and imagining his face as he didn’t understand or like my reasons. By early this morning I was convinced there would be no good way to talk this one out.

Finally I turned to God. If God made me so uncomfortable with this then I would leave it in His more than capable hands to help me explain it. That is so much easier said than done (I promptly let God know that one as well).

When I got to the appointment I knew God was there with me as soon as I walked in. My mind became clear and God helped me explain my convictions and reasons. I am smiling as I write this because I have had this happen so many times you would think that I would just know this by now. (NOT LOL). I have a quote that I say to my kids (and friends) “God never gives us more than we with His help can handle, and that help comes when we need it, not a moment before nor a moment after”. I guess I need to be saying that to myself a whole lot more.

This morning Satan won hands down. I had a total melt down and could not pick myself back up. God in all of His love for me gave me a husband that is so patient that he lovingly took me and helped me through it. I couldn’t ask for more, really!! I saw this on Facebook and just sobbed all the way through. I am sharing it because I think all of us need to remember and know this truth. I am a daughter of the living God!

http://youtu.be/uWi5iXnguTU

Amazing Grace by Mr. Phipps and Bill Gaither and Friends

I have often wondered what it will be like in Heaven. I know that we will be with God/Jesus and that, in and of itself, is more than I can comprehend. Yet I know there will be other things there to. One of them will be singing. Lots of singing! Which to me is a wonderful thing. I love to sing, and when I was younger God gifted me with a singers voice I was able to used a lot. I loved it when we would have “Singsperations” at School where all of us (120 or so) would gather together and basically sing for 2 to 3 hours. It was beautiful with all the different voices blending together and splitting into parts. I miss those times. Recently when flipping through the channels on my TV I found Bill Gaither and Friends. God has given me my  Singsperations back. As I listen to them I can close my eyes and begin to see how it will be in Heaven, when we all lift our voices as a praise to God, and the goosebumps come followed soon by the tears. Heaven is going to be amazing, something I will never be able to truly feel, see, understand, or experience here on earth. But, I am so grateful that God gives us these special glimpses so we can have a taste of what is to come. HEAVEN!!

When I am in this “mood” (maybe I should name it for ease sake, how about pmsopause) I have noticed that my normal graceless self gets amplified by at least 10 if not more. I become a downright blundering idiot, not only in my outward actions but in my thoughts and emotions. All this to say that today seemed to be destined to be a seriously pmsopausal day. My exceptionally patient husband and I have a Black Tie Affair to go to this evening and of course that means dressing up to the nines. Remember I am menopausal and have hot flashes constantly, so the thought of dressing up is a daunting one to say the least. I figure that if I get my hair done up off my neck that would be half the battle right there. So I head to my hair dressers only to find out that they had put me as a different person, with a different person then I regularly go to, at a different time!!! Hence I was out of luck. I sulked  all the way back to my car (by this time I was smack in the middle of a doozie of a hot flash) where I promptly asked God what He was doing and did He understand that I really needed my hair up and that I could not do this by myself. To put it mildly I was angry that my “order” of things had been crushed (my opinion totally). I proceeded to drive back home all the way telling God all the reasons that He had failed in my ever humble opinion and how I would have done it so different and therefore so much better. When I was about 2/3rds the way home I got a call from my hairstylist at the Salon. She apologized and said that she had someone who could do my hair and would do a wonderful job if I would be able to come back. Smiling as I was sure I could hear God saying “all I wanted was for you to TRUST ME” I said that I would be happy to turn around and come back. She did a beautiful job and We had a good time at the Black Tie. Once again God reminded me that He does know what He is doing even when I don’t. I may want things my way just because I can see it, but in reality His way is ALWAYS better then my way! ALWAYS!